The untold story of the trip to Austin.

Sure there was the hilarious drunken event involving the romancing of two toilets for at least ten hours. There was the almost getting arrested. There was the sick feeling in the gut.

That all passed after a good nap during the 8-10 am hour. There was the fun trip to the cave. There was the dinner. There was my mother's obsession with fiha and polenta that I have never told her about until JUST NOW. (She reminisces about it every time she hears about polenta.) The worst part of this whole spring break happened that night.

It wasn't Fariha. She is a doll. It was the fifteen billion pills I took without using water as a lubricant. Oops my bad. Too bad the pills decided to lodge themselves into a location in my lower esophagus and melted. OH THE ACID BURNS. THE LABOURED BREATHING. THE PAIN. THE AGONY. THAT NIGHT I SLEPT WORSE THAN WHEN I WAS SO DRUNK I COULD'VE BEEN ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC INTOXICATION. (I am so changed from middle school. I am so cool. I am so 21.) Probably all the vomiting the night before had worn down some epithelium. Anyway, I had to take a bunch of tums like an old person and couldn't function like a normal human.

LESSON LEARNED:

• Always get wasted
• Always take your pills with fluid
  

If I used this thing to say how I was really feeling, that would put a damper on the evening.
Instead I will say that the best way to wash a floor and baseboard is to dip it low and pick it up slow.
I hope this is not my last entry.

Hey urrbody. I drew a picture to send with the letter. LOV YA BABES

Good day. It has been a long, strange while since I have seen you last. Just know that I miss you, want you, need you so.

I wrote a letter to the President as a way to satisfy a goal of making peaceful relations with foreign dignitaries. Well, I figured it would be a hassle to mail internationally/also I didn't know where to find Than Shwe's address/I didn't actually Google it/Dangnabbit I am lazy. OH WELL I'M SENDING IT WOOHOOO. I HOPE THEY SEND THE SECRET SERVICE AFTER ME.

AWW BALLSAC THAN SHWE STEPPED DOWN. OH WELL.

I'm going to print it on some cute paper, and maybe I will put that picture here instead of this nondescript text which you continue to read because you think I will say something worthwhile like "rainbow spewing volcanoes" or perhaps "sexy leprechaun midget pr0n."

5 November 2011

 

President Obama

1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW

Washington, DC 20500

 

Dearest Mr. President Obama Sir:

 

Are you currently aware of the injustices and atrocities being committed against our nation’s most beautiful and rare and secretive and delicious cryptozoological creature, the Shabu-RaMu? Me neither! Well, I hope you take time to support the cause by donating any spare “change” or something to the tune of $15 to fund my group’s conservation efforts (a.k.a. donating to our Five Guy’s lunch fund). Thanks so much for your concern. Let’s go play hoop.

 

With love, passion, and a firm handshake/fist bump,

 

 

 

 

Lawrence “Snickerdoodle” Schiebler

 

I want to be beautiful.

Yesterday, my dad did a front flip over the handlebars of his bike and landed himself in the ER with three broken ribs, multiple abrasions, and a separated acromioclavicular joint. He has become John McCain and can no longer move his arms above a certain point. He also has a hot running mate and a disturbingly large facial goiter from CANCER and being a POW and 7000 years old.

COOLTV is not as cool as it sounds. It is the opposite of cool. Warm. Warm with the burning passion of god's chlamydia.

Better news.






WHOOO WILL JOIN MEE

You probably don't have to submit proof of blind to get one of these.

I WISH THEY HADN'T FILMED ME @ MY BEST

I made this for to hang on the door of the trash room.
Will do tomorrow a.m.